About Love May 13, 2012

As a parent to say ‘my children are my life’ is an understatement. My children brought me to life. They give me reason to wake up every morning and do the things that I hate to do. When I need to get up at 4am and haul my butt over 3 hours to school I do it for them. I do it for their hugs, and their smiles, for the clothing on their back and most importantly I do it because I love them more than anything in this world. I don’t think I truly knew what love was until they came into my life. And I find myself constantly comparing any other feeling I think is love to the way I feel for them. There is nothing like being a mother to 2 beautiful, smart (sometimes to smart), loving, brave kids and knowing that when I need them they are always there. Nothing compares to knowing that those smiles I get every morning when I feed them breakfast are meant for only me and I brought those amazing smiles into existence.

Our life has been turned upside down lately, but my children have been stronger then me. They seem to know when mommy needs a big hug, or a laugh or some snuggle time. I can’t express how proud I am at how brave they have been. Especially when right now everything is up in the air, and all they have is my word for what the future holds. My daughter told me the other night that “everything is perfect.” And yes everything is perfect, I have no worries, I have the best friends and family in the world, and right now I feel more content than I have felt in a long time. It is weird feeling this happy. I keep waiting for something bad to happen, but I need to stop letting the pessimist side of me think that way.

Tomorrow when I wake up to the giggles of my children snuggling me awake, and I drag myself out of bed to start my day I am going to hold my kids close and hug them. Because nothing in the world could ever replace the happiness and sunshine they bring to my life. We are a strong family unit, and nothing in the world will ever change that. So only love, there is no reason to hate. Being mushy is definitely better than being angry. And if you can’t think of a reason to try to love every single person who walks into your life, then you are missing out on a billion possibilities.

My Closure May 11, 2012

First off I would just like to say this is not about me wanting pity, as I don’t need it. I am a strong individual who has made my own decisions. This is about me departing from this chapter of my life. This is my closure.

Yes we fought, yes I threw a glass on the floor, yes he slapped me across the face, so hard that it left me with a bruise and a ruptured eardrum. Then he left, and all I wanted was for him to come back and tell me how much he loved me and was sorry for what he did and for everything to be ok. But he didn’t come back. At first I thought maybe he did it because he felt threatened by my actions, or maybe he didn’t mean to do it; he wasn’t in control of himself. I am not going to make excuses for him anymore, because I realized weeks ago that he is making up plenty of excuses for himself. No I didn’t have him charged simply because what would have that done? Lost him his job, lost him his kids; He deserves a future too.  No I didn’t rebook my radiation therapy twice, I booked it once, and thanks to my family and friends I was able to keep it. No I “didn’t take everything I paid for while he was busy paying bills”, I kept what was mine before we lived together and everything we acquired while together was split up based on who used it. And I most precisely made sure I did not take anything that belonged to his children. He can feel the need to go bad mouth me to anyone that will listen and tell everyone that I robbed him blind and I am a liar, but in the end he knows what he did that night and the way he continues to treat me, and that is something he is going to have to live with for the rest of his life. Does anyone remember what he had when his previous girlfriend left? An empty house that was in such poor condition that he himself didn’t even want to live there. No furniture, nothing. Now he has a renovated house that I am in debt for and I am the bad guy for taking what I owned before we lived together? Does the sob story of “she robbed me blind” and “she is lying and telling everyone I abused her” sound familiar? Because it is, this is his pity story every time he breaks up with someone so he doesn’t have to take accountability for his actions. I was just an idiot that believed he was someone different for 3 years and decided to be closed minded about the stories of his past relationships. I was a fool, I let myself be deceived and manipulated. I am the one that put myself in this position. I do not blame him and I have nothing bad to say about him other then I should’ve known better as to what kind of man he is. I am sure somewhere deep down inside him is the perfect, happy, positive man that he thinks exists. Maybe it is the man he will become, but I am not the person to help him get there.

So that is it point blank, my side of it. Anyone whom I share mutual respect with knows this as they have seen the marks left on me by the end of the relationship. And for those who have chosen to pick sides I tell you this, real friends don’t pick sides. And honestly there is no side to be taken here, we were both wrong. And I know this situation has taught me that I don’t want to be taken advantage of anymore by anyone and playing the pity game only makes you a fool. So I move on and I have been constantly reminding myself that the great places I will be going, he cannot follow.

Getting over him is not something that is going to happen in weeks or months and it is definitely not going to happen by replacing these feelings with feelings for someone else. But everyday moves me forward and I won’t look back with regret anymore. One foot in front of the other and eventually this will all be a shadow in the past that made me stronger.

On Being Blessed March 11, 2011

Today at 2:46am a massive earthquake (8.9) hit Eastern Japan. Soon after a massive Tsunami hit. This earthquake is the largest quake to hit Japan since they started recording quakes 146 years ago. The death toll is rising, and when listening to the radio all the talk is about this disaster. Not only is this effecting Japan, it is also going to effect Western North America.

This morning I woke up like normal, the sounds of my conscious children echoing down the hallway. I helped them get dressed, got them breakfast, and made Bug’s lunch. Once this was done I sat down at my computer to check my email. As always my browser opened to Yahoo! News. I was startled by the headline “Massive quake, Tsunami slam Japan”accompanied by pictures of destruction. What happened on the other side of the world, was a LOT to take in. So I decided it was time to go out for my morning cigarette. Outside I was met with another disturbing scene. When I went to bed last night it was raining, and sometime last night it decided to snow. There was inches of snow everywhere, and the scene was not nice to someone who HATES snow. Standing there I realized how lucky I am. My family and friends are in good health, I have a home, food in my fridge, no sign of a natural disaster on the horizon, and most of all I am not fighting for my life. I am lucky to have snow!

It is then I decided I needed to share this revelation with my children. I wanted them to feel lucky too. I also didn’t want them to go to school and hear of these recent events from someone else. So after Bug and Bean were done with their breakfast, I sat them down.

Me: “Do you know what an Earthquake is?”

Bean: “It what hulk do when he jumpths”

Me: “It is when the ground moves really fast, and everything shakes. Last night in a Country called Japan there was a big earthquake that happened in the water. Because it happened in the water, it created a BIIIIIIG wave.”

*terrified look on Bugs face*

*Bean is jumping around showing me his “Hulk Wake”*

Me: “Lots of people were hurt, and lots of people lost their homes, and all their things. I am telling you guys this because I think it is very important for us to feel blessed for what we have. What are you guys greatfull for?”

Bug: “I am greatfull for you mommy, and I am great-full for candy, and my snow-boots.” (ohhh yea, I am right up there with candy and snow boots!!!)

Bean: “HUUUUUULLLLLLLLLKKKKKKKK”

I then sat Bug down on my lap because she was looking a bit traumatized. I found a world map on my computer and showed her where Japan was, and where we are. I reinforced that this happened far away, and that is was not going to happen here. But we need to feel greatfull for what we have, because some people don’t have anything right now.

Bug: “What can we do to help them?”

I was silent for a long time after she asked me that. I felt completely useless, because realistically right now there is nothing we can do to help.

Me: “We can be greatfull every day for everything we have, even the small things. Because we are very lucky to live here, and know that we are safe.”

Then I gave Bug a big hug, because this morning I was greatfull for her, my mini-hulk, and for snow.

Art Attack February 23, 2011

I have a confession… I throw out all of my children’s artwork. Like 99.8% of it.
Everyday Ladybug brings home at least 3-5 work sheets and pictures from school, and Bean brings home about the same from daycare. I “ooooo” and “ahhhh” over it while they proudly present me their creations, and then they put it on the refrigerator for epic display. But after they are asleep I chuck it, with the exception of a few piece’s I keep on display for a few extra days. After bedtime you can see the front of my refrigerator again, and neither Bean nor Ladybug have ever questioned it…
Until last Wednesday… Bug had brought home a reading test that she had gotten perfect on. And well, just one night on the fridge was not enough of a showcase for this test. (Now I have to mention that Bug has a reading test every week, and 95% of the time she gets perfect on it, so this test was nothing out of the ordinary.) After Bug realized her test was no longer on display, and it was in the trash, a river of tears started flowing, and then Bean wondered where his masterpieces went, and he started crying… I have never felt more guilty, then I did that Wednesday morning.

What kind of mother I am I? They worked so hard on this stuff and I just chucked it?! Whats wrong with me????! When did I become this cruel, selfish, horrible artwork throwing out mother? I think I put the “I” in BITCH!

So needless to say I have kept all the kids artwork and school work they have brought home the past week. It is stacked neatly in a 3 foot pile on the dinning room table, and you cannot see an inch of the front of my refrigerator. I am sure by the end of the month you wont even be able to see the table, and in order to open my fridge you will need to plunge through inches of stuff on the refrigerator… YEP! I am going to change my ways of the horrible art-work throwing out mother! And even though in a few months we will be living like pack rats, and you wont be able to see our floors through the clutter, my good side shall prevail!

…Or I could just convince my kids that Oscar the Grouch LOVES artwork, and he just so happens to live in our garbage can… Because really, there is no realistic way to keep every single piece of work they bring home.

The Birds and the Bees February 19, 2011

So last Thursday I was getting the kids ready for their bath. Ladybug was excitedly telling me about a movie she saw at her fathers house the weekend before. I wasn’t paying to much attention to her excited jabber when I heard…

“and then they went into the house and had sex”

*omg omg, what is her father letting her watch? Okay stay calm! It will be okay and Ladybug will not be scarred for the rest of her life by your reaction*

Me: “I didn’t hear you Bug, What did they do?”

Bug: “They went into the house and then they had sex”

Me:*I try to act casual* “oh… So what is sex Ladybug?”

Bug: *dramatic rolling of her eyes* “Mom, it’s when 2 people are in bed kissing a lot”

Me:*sigh of relief*

It’s not that I don’t want Bug to be educated about the birds and the bees… I just think their is a limited amount of information that she should know at the age of 6. It terrifies me that because of how loosely sex is used in the media today, I am probably going to have to have the sex talk with Ladybug before I am ready too, or before she is.

I had to have the “sex talk” with both the girls a few months ago, after I caught my step daughter making her Barbies have “sex.” “Sex is what happens when you love someone… blah blah *censored* blah.” It was a very uncomfortable conversation for me, because I was not ready to have this talk with a six and seven year old. So it is quite a relief that Bug knows a very limited amount about sex, and I hope it stays that way (for a long while.)

Now if I could get Bug’s father to stop letting her watch Dirty Dancing at his house, I think I can get a few more years of not-so-serious-sex talks.

10 Things Disney Movies Have Taught Our Kids: February 19, 2011

- If you shrink or grow, your clothing will shrink or grow with you
- When in doubt SING
- Everyone has a prince charming
- Good, Defeats Evil (ALWAYS)
- If a guy saves you, you belong to him
- Step-parents are always EVIL
- “Good guys” are always extremely good looking
- When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true
- A Kiss can solve everything
- You really don’t need a mother (Can you think of a Disney movie where the mother is actually around and not “gone” or dead, or even important?)